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Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Lawyers: They’re at the heart (or butt) of so many jokes. Need proof? Googling “lawyer jokes” returns about 755K results in .32 seconds. With thousands of jokes at their expense, lawyers have two options: either embrace them or be insulted by them.
April marks the beginning of National Humor Month when we “honor those who make us laugh.” In honor of this event, we ask those who embrace lawyer jokes to share their favorite lawyer joke below. To join in the discussion, register at LexTalk and comment within the ‘Join the Conversation’ text box (located at the bottom of the post).
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people. ...from a recent episode of Better Call Saul.
all great! thanks for the laughs
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 3: 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Most of the time, I don't mind lawyer jokes, especially if they come from another lawyer or someone gainfully employed. However, when someone who does not work for a living makes a lawyer joke to me I can't help but say that the practice of law is a noble profession, and even more so when compared to being a couch potato.
A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
I usually go with the "a good start" joke above, but the question is "What do you call a busload of lawyers at the bottom...."
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A criminal defense lawyer is defending a murder charge in which the evidence is circumstancial and there is no body, but the defendant seems rather sleazy and the trial is not going well. In desperation, the lawyer decides to try a trick during closing arguments and says "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have arranged for a surprise! I have been able to locate the so-called 'victim' and she will be walking through those doors momentarily." The lawyer pauses and then says "You cannot convict my client unless you feel that he is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Since all of you looked toward the doors, I submit to you that deep down, you have doubts that there is a dead body. Therefore, you must acquit my client." The lawyer sits down thinking that he has done very well and is very surprised when a couple hours later, the guilty verdict is read. The lawyer decides to ask a jury member how she could possibly convict when the whole jury had looked at the doors. The juror replies "Yeah, we all looked at the doors, but your client didn't."
I love this convo! My favorite is this one. As a lawyer awoke from surgery, he noticed all the blinds were drawn. When he asked the nurse why, she answered "there's a raging fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
A dying man convinces someone to forge a law school diploma and bar certificate. When asked by his family why he went to all that trouble, he responded, "so that when I die one more lawyer will die too."
All sorts of great jokes can be found on reddit. Some of my favorites.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
What do you have when 10 lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?A: Not enough cement.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
I generally don't mind the lawyer jokes, but when they move into the realm of meanspirtedness I don't like it. I think it becomes a passive-aggressive way for people to take swipes at us. Having said that my favorite lawyer joke goes: an engineer shows up in heaven and isn't on Saint Peter's list. St. Peter sends him to hell. The engineer installs air conditioning and generally goes about ways to make hell a more pleasant place. When St. Peter finds out he tells the devil to seND the engineer back because there has been a mistake. The devil refuses and Saint Peter threatened to sue. The devil laughed and said, "where are you going to get a lawyer?"